B is for Being https://bisforbeing.com Uncovering Authentic Expression – Ben is on a quest to uncover his authenticity after spending most of his life blocked by crippling self-doubt and anxiety. Thu, 05 Sep 2019 04:23:22 +0000 en hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.2.3 Benjamin is on a quest to uncover his authenticity after spending most of his life blocked by crippling self-doubt and anxiety. He talks with friends, psychologists, and thought leaders about the most effective tools for uncovering authentic expression. Benjamin Hammersley clean episodic Benjamin Hammersley benjamin@bisforbeing.com benjamin@bisforbeing.com (Benjamin Hammersley) Benjamin Hammersley Uncovering Authentic Expression benjamin@bisforbeing.com Benjamin is on a quest to uncover his authenticity after spending most of his life blocked by crippling self-doubt and anxiety. He talks with friends, psychologists, and thought leaders about the most effective tools for uncovering authentic expression. TV-G Perth, Australia 054: Welcome to B is for Being Version 2 https://bisforbeing.com/p/054-welcome-to-b-is-for-being-version-2 Mon, 22 Apr 2019 07:29:18 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=5536 https://bisforbeing.com/p/054-welcome-to-b-is-for-being-version-2#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/054-welcome-to-b-is-for-being-version-2/feed 0 Take a tour of the new home of B is for Being We start this episode with a realisation which has brought more compassion to my creative process and removed the pressure from me to produce content on a hard deadline. Then, we take a tour of the new site of B is for Being. I guide you through each section of the site, including a brand new section dedicated to rest and reflection. If this is your first time on the site, this episode will provide a good overview of B is for Being. Hit play and let's dive in! The Realisation Which Brought Compassion to My Creative Process How I burned myself out and caused myself creative trauma. [01:22] The realisation which changed the way I look at creating. [02:53] Doubts! Others will lose interest if I don't release content on a regular schedule! [05:20] Trusting the people who are interested in what I'm saying, creating, making, will make the time to watch or listen. [06:20] Tour of B is for Being Version 2 Introduction to the new site. [07:30] Podcast - Conversations with friends, psychologists, and thought leaders on authentic expression and self-discovery. [08:07] Slow Video - Gentle videos for rest and reflection. (An essential part of my self-discovery process.) [08:50] Blog - An open journal of thoughts and observations as I uncover my authenticity. Including how I'm navigating the obstacles which come up along the way. [12:11] Selected Links from this Episode Slow Videos on B is for Being Slow Videos on YouTube Take a tour of the new home of B is for Being We start this episode with a realisation which has brought more compassion to my creative process and removed the pressure from me to produce content on a hard deadline. Then,
We start this episode with a realisation which has brought more compassion to my creative process and removed the pressure from me to produce content on a hard deadline.

Then, we take a tour of the new site of B is for Being. I guide you through each section of the site, including a brand new section dedicated to rest and reflection.

If this is your first time on the site, this episode will provide a good overview of B is for Being.

Hit play and let's dive in!

The Realisation Which Brought Compassion to My Creative Process


* How I burned myself out and caused myself creative trauma. [01:22]
* The realisation which changed the way I look at creating. [02:53]
* Doubts! Others will lose interest if I don't release content on a regular schedule! [05:20]
* Trusting the people who are interested in what I'm saying, creating, making, will make the time to watch or listen. [06:20]


Tour of B is for Being Version 2


* Introduction to the new site. [07:30]
* Podcast - Conversations with friends, psychologists, and thought leaders on authentic expression and self-discovery. [08:07]
* Slow Video - Gentle videos for rest and reflection. (An essential part of my self-discovery process.) [08:50]
* Blog - An open journal of thoughts and observations as I uncover my authenticity. Including how I'm navigating the obstacles which come up along the way. [12:11]


Selected Links from this Episode


* Slow Videos on B is for Being
* Slow Videos on YouTube
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Benjamin Hammersley clean 16:30
053: Pausing the Podcast + The Courage to Create (new video series) https://bisforbeing.com/p/053-pausing-the-podcast-upcoming-new-video-series-the-courage-to-create Tue, 22 Aug 2017 21:00:42 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=2174 https://bisforbeing.com/p/053-pausing-the-podcast-upcoming-new-video-series-the-courage-to-create#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/053-pausing-the-podcast-upcoming-new-video-series-the-courage-to-create/feed 0 I've been on an extended break from the podcast after burning myself out. I realised I was forcing myself to produce episode after episode from a place of fear instead of a genuine desire to create. I forced myself to keep producing episodes because I thought if I stopped, you might lose interest in what I’m doing and never come back. Sounds familiar, right? So in this episode, I explain what kept me in this fear as well as the new agreement I've made with myself to stop creating if I’m not having fun or being kind to myself. Also, did somebody say ‘new video series?’ Yes, yes they did! Tune-in to learn about the new series where I will be exploring the courage to express my creativity openly. (Note: Apologies for the clicking sound in this episode. I recorded this with my earbuds and the microphone was tapping against the zip of my jacket every time I moved :/) I've been on an extended break from the podcast after burning myself out. - I realised I was forcing myself to produce episode after episode from a place of fear instead of a genuine desire to create. - I forced myself to keep producing episodes beca...
I've been on an extended break from the podcast after burning myself out.

I realised I was forcing myself to produce episode after episode from a place of fear instead of a genuine desire to create.

I forced myself to keep producing episodes because I thought if I stopped, you might lose interest in what I’m doing and never come back. Sounds familiar, right?

So in this episode, I explain what kept me in this fear as well as the new agreement I've made with myself to stop creating if I’m not having fun or being kind to myself.

Also, did somebody say ‘new video series?’ Yes, yes they did! Tune-in to learn about the new series where I will be exploring the courage to express my creativity openly.

(Note: Apologies for the clicking sound in this episode. I recorded this with my earbuds and the microphone was tapping against the zip of my jacket every time I moved :/)

Show Highlights

Click on a time marker to hear the full podcast


* Why you haven’t heard from me in a while 00:52
* I’m not creating anything unless it feels fun 04:28
* I’m starting a new video series 06:49
* Why would I not create the very thing I want to create? 10:29
* There was a lot of shame thrown around in my family environment so it takes courage to stepout and express myself creatively. 15:40
* The Courage to Create 18:03


Mentioned in This Episode


* Free Flow Fridays Series
* B is for Being on YouTube (watch this space for the new video series!)
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Benjamin Hammersley clean 23:32
052: The Most Effective Technique for Relieving Anxiety https://bisforbeing.com/p/052-the-most-effective-technique-for-relieving-anxiety Sat, 17 Jun 2017 21:03:53 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=2157 https://bisforbeing.com/p/052-the-most-effective-technique-for-relieving-anxiety#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/052-the-most-effective-technique-for-relieving-anxiety/feed 0 I've struggled with anxiety for the greater part of my life.It wasn't until I went through a particularly anxious period that I went on a search to find an 'off' button for my incessant anxious thinking.I discovered that by bringing my attention to the present moment the intensity of my anxiety began to lessen. Over time, by continuing to practice present moment awareness, I’ve experienced such a significant reduction in my anxious thinking that I often forget how much I was suffering previously.In this episode, I share how we can use the present moment to diminish the power of our anxiety and begin experiencing effective relief from our worrisome thoughts.Disclaimer: The technique outlined in this episode assumes that a low, to moderate level of anxiety is present. Practicing this technique may become difficult when experiencing high levels of anxiety. I've struggled with anxiety for the greater part of my life.It wasn't until I went through a particularly anxious period that I went on a search to find an 'off' button for my incessant anxious thinking.I discovered that by bringing my attention to the...
I've struggled with anxiety for the greater part of my life.

It wasn't until I went through a particularly anxious period that I went on a search to find an 'off' button for my incessant anxious thinking.

I discovered that by bringing my attention to the present moment the intensity of my anxiety began to lessen. Over time, by continuing to practice present moment awareness, I’ve experienced such a significant reduction in my anxious thinking that I often forget how much I was suffering previously.

In this episode, I share how we can use the present moment to diminish the power of our anxiety and begin experiencing effective relief from our worrisome thoughts.

Disclaimer: The technique outlined in this episode assumes that a low, to moderate level of anxiety is present. Practicing this technique may become difficult when experiencing high levels of anxiety.

Show Notes

Click on a time marker to hear the full podcast

What is Anxiety? 05:04

Anxiety is the experience which is caused by imagining the possibility of something unpleasant happening at a future point in time.

How the experience of anxiety begins and becomes stronger:


* We have a thought about something unpleasant happening (this thought can be conscious or sub-conscious).
* Our body has a physiological reaction to the thought (a sensation in the body).
* We react to the unpleasant sensation in the body with anxious thoughts on what the sensation could mean.
* Our body has an even stronger physiological reaction to the increased anxiety of our thoughts.
* We react with even more anxious thinking about what these increased sensations could mean.
* The cycle continues…


Anxiety Appears to Be a True Representation of Reality 11:34


* Anxiety is our own synthesised layer of reality which we unconsciously super-impose onto reality itself.
* Imagine a tree, just existing in nature. If we imagine that tree is a happy tree, we will begin to notice all of the happy attributes of the tree. On the other hand, if we imagine the tree is a sad tree, we will begin to notice all of the tree’s sad attributes.
* We create a layer of reality which influences how we perceive objects that exist in objective reality.
* When I realised my anxiety was a layer I was overlaying onto objective events, I realised that my anxious experience was only determined by the layer I had created and was not determined by actuality itself.


The Most Effective Technique for Relieving Anxiety 16:42


* The present moment is the most effective technique for relieving anxiety.


Anxiety depends on the future projection of something bad happening. If we take away the future point in time, we remove energy from our anxiety and begin to feel some relief.


* By observing the present moment, we can begin to experience the separation between our anxiety and what is actually occurring around us.


What is The Present Moment? 18:44


* The present moment is not a thing. It can’t be had, gotten or discovered. The present moment is an experience to be experienced.
* The present moment is occurring all the time wherever we go. It’s a tool which follows us wherever we go.
* We perceive the present moment with our senses.


How to Practice Using The Present Moment to Relieve Anxiety 20:42


* An important note: We are not trying to bypass our anxiety with the present moment.
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Benjamin Hammersley clean 37:38
051: Why I Started Keeping a Compliments Journal https://bisforbeing.com/p/051-why-i-started-keeping-a-compliments-journal Sat, 03 Jun 2017 21:06:53 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=2112 https://bisforbeing.com/p/051-why-i-started-keeping-a-compliments-journal#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/051-why-i-started-keeping-a-compliments-journal/feed 0 A short episode outlining the benefits of recording the compliments we receive.After realising how much negative self-talk I was doing, I went searching for some ways to bring more positivity back into the picture.I didn’t expect that writing down the compliments I received would have such a great effect on my self-worth and provide me with a source of support during times of intense self-doubt.In this episode, I let you know why I started keeping a compliments journal and how it’s allowed me to receive the nice things people say about me, while simultaneously reducing my bias towards self-negativity. A short episode outlining the benefits of recording the compliments we receive.After realising how much negative self-talk I was doing, I went searching for some ways to bring more positivity back into the picture.
After realising how much negative self-talk I was doing, I went searching for some ways to bring more positivity back into the picture.

I didn’t expect that writing down the compliments I received would have such a great effect on my self-worth and provide me with a source of support during times of intense self-doubt.

In this episode, I let you know why I started keeping a compliments journal and how it’s allowed me to receive the nice things people say about me, while simultaneously reducing my bias towards self-negativity.


Show Notes

Click on a time marker to hear the full podcast

I Have a Hard Time Receiving Compliments 01:15


* After I had started keeping a compliments journal, I found it became easier to accept the compliments given to me.
* I would diminish the value of compliments I received by saying, “Other people can do the same thing. I'm not that special.”
* By doing that, I’m telling the other person that I am not receiving their compliment. I do this because I don’t feel worthy of receiving such high praise.


Challenging My Level of Self-Worth 02:31


* I carry a lot of self-worth in certain areas of my life, but in others, my level of self-worth feels very low.
* In areas of low self-worth, it’s very difficult for me to accept compliments from others.
* I confront my current level of self-worth every time I write down a compliment.
* It felt awkward when I first started writing compliments down. However, the act of writing down a compliment began to familiarise me to receive them.


How to Keep a Compliments Journal 04:23


* I recommend writing down the compliments in a small notebook.
* Write down every compliment you receive.
* When you receive a compliment, write down:

* The compliment
* Who gave it to you
* The context in which you received the compliment
* The date




Why I Started Keeping a Compliments Journal 06:00


* When the level of my negative self-talk became too much for me, I decided something needed to change.
* I realised I wouldn’t tolerate someone else talking so negatively to me, so why do I talk that way to myself?
* At that point, keeping a compliments journal seemed like a good choice to address my self-negativity.


The Benefits 07:22


* There are multiple benefits which begin to occur as a result of keeping a compliments journal.

* Your current level of self-worth will be challenged and expanded.
* When you’re going through self-doubt, it serves as a potent reminder of the value you already have inside you.
* It balances out a bias towards self-negativity by also reminding you of the positive things people are saying about you.




Mentioned in This Episode


* The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
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Benjamin Hammersley clean 11:52
050: Why Do I Feel Worthless When I’m Told I Need to Improve? https://bisforbeing.com/p/050-why-do-i-feel-worthless-when-im-told-i-need-to-improve Sat, 27 May 2017 21:01:08 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=2079 https://bisforbeing.com/p/050-why-do-i-feel-worthless-when-im-told-i-need-to-improve#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/050-why-do-i-feel-worthless-when-im-told-i-need-to-improve/feed 0 I had my first performance review at work this week.After receiving feedback that I needed to improve in certain areas, I felt my self-worth drop. However, my supervisors weren't unhappy with me nor had they delivered an ultimatum that I either improve or lose my job.I left work with a big question: Why does our competency in certain areas of life dictate our level of self-worth? In this episode, I take a walk through the city and break down what was behind my feelings of worthlessness. I also share my thoughts on how particular parenting styles serve to connect a child's actions with their sense of worth, and how this connection can be broken by practicing self-acceptance. I had my first performance review at work this week.After receiving feedback that I needed to improve in certain areas, I felt my self-worth drop. However, my supervisors weren't unhappy with me nor had they delivered an ultimatum that I either improve...
I had my first performance review at work this week.

After receiving feedback that I needed to improve in certain areas, I felt my self-worth drop. However, my supervisors weren't unhappy with me nor had they delivered an ultimatum that I either improve or lose my job.

I left work with a big question:
Why does our competency in certain areas of life dictate our level of self-worth?


In this episode, I take a walk through the city and break down what was behind my feelings of worthlessness. I also share my thoughts on how particular parenting styles serve to connect a child's actions with their sense of worth, and how this connection can be broken by practicing self-acceptance.


Show Notes

Click on a time marker to hear the full podcast

The Performance Review 01:32


* The performance review required my supervisors and myself to fill out the same form. If a certain area of feedback didn’t match on the two forms then we would discuss that area of the job.
* I felt good about the work I’d done over the previous two months and was feeling positive about the review.
* There were four ratings for each area of the job

* Requires improvement
* Satisfactory
* Good
* Outstanding


* About 10 minutes into the performance review, I realised there were quite a few areas of feedback which differed.


“These Areas Need Improvement” 03:46


* My supervisors had rated me as ‘requires improvement’ in quite a few areas.
* I knew I wouldn’t receive positive feedback in every area but I didn’t expect to rate in the ‘requires improvement’ section as I have been putting in a lot of effort at work.
* They weren’t unhappy with me, they were simply stating these areas of your job require improvement.


The Reaction 05:18


* I went into shutdown mode.
* They were talking to me but I wasn’t able to process the feedback they were giving me.
* I was familiar with this shutdown feeling as it happened a lot to me as a kid.
* While doing maths homework as a kid, I remember desperately wanting to understand how to work out the maths problem to ease the tension of the parent who was trying to help me, and who had become frustrated that I wasn’t understanding how to work it out.


They Weren’t Angry 06:51


* The feeling I had during the performance review was very similar, the only difference was my supervisors weren’t becoming stressed or freaking out.
* They continued to give me feedback but I realised I still wasn’t able to process what they were saying.
* I had to ask them to repeat what they’d said as I was still processing the initial feedback they’d given me.


I Became Proactive in Receiving Their Feedback 08:51


* It felt good to let them know what was going on for me. They had no problem repeating their feedback and I realised they still weren’t freaking out or getting mad.
* I began actively taking notes on the feedback they were giving me and ensured I’d recorded all of it. Actively taking in their feedback on the areas my areas of improvement took me out of feeling like I was just little kid who was always making mistakes and needed to try harder.


Why Is Our Self-Worth Attached to Our Ability to Do Things? 09:53


* Why does my level of self-worth drop when I’m told I need to improve something I’m doing.
* I’m reading clean 24:35
049: Why Do I Stop Sharing Myself Authentically with You? https://bisforbeing.com/p/049-why-do-i-stop-sharing-myself-authentically-with-you Sat, 20 May 2017 21:02:08 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=2077 https://bisforbeing.com/p/049-why-do-i-stop-sharing-myself-authentically-with-you#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/049-why-do-i-stop-sharing-myself-authentically-with-you/feed 0 You might have realised by now, expressing myself authentically is pretty important.I’ve written about it many times on the site, yet I find myself drifting back into not speaking and writing from my current level of knowledge and understanding. I change how I write and speak to sound like I know more than you about the topics I share.In this episode, I explore the reasons why I stop sharing myself authentically with you, and how my inauthenticity always guides me back to being myself. You might have realised by now, expressing myself authentically is pretty important.I’ve written about it many times on the site, yet I find myself drifting back into not speaking and writing from my current level of knowledge and understanding.
You might have realised by now, expressing myself authentically is pretty important.

I’ve written about it many times on the site, yet I find myself drifting back into not speaking and writing from my current level of knowledge and understanding. I change how I write and speak to sound like I know more than you about the topics I share.

In this episode, I explore the reasons why I stop sharing myself authentically with you, and how my inauthenticity always guides me back to being myself.


Show Notes

Background to This Episode
01:24


* The way I’ve been talking in the last few episodes wasn’t authentic to me. You probably wouldn’t have noticed it but it’s really important for me because It hasn’t felt like I have been sharing myself in a way that’s true to my current level of knowledge.


I Feel I’ve Been Telling You What to Do 03:57


* In the last few episodes, I’ve directed instructions at you.
* Listening back to those episodes, I didn’t feel they were a true representation of me at that point in time.
* I was talking as a teacher, with a tone of authority as if I knew everything about the subject.
* I do know helpful techniques for stepping out of fear, anxiety and doubt, but I don’t know everything about these subjects.


I Shouldn’t Be Surprised That I’m Still Struggling With Authenticity 05:28


* There is no 100% authentic stage for anyone in life.
* I want to be real when I speak; true to my current level of knowledge and represent that on the outside.
* It’s ironic that in the previous episode, I spoke about being critical of another person for not being true to their current level of knowledge.


Why Do I Keep Slipping Back Into Not Being Myself? 07:57


* I’ve written about not being true to myself and spoken about it before but over time, I keep slipping back into it.
* It starts when I begin doubting the quality of my content is good enough for people. As a result, I begin to overproduce the content.


Authentic Self-Expression Is an Important Theme in My Life 08:59


* It's important for me to express what’s inside me truthfully on the outside. I’m not talking about sharing every detail of my life. It’s about me representing what’s true for me in this moment.
* It feels like I’m lying to people when I present myself in another way to how I’m feeling in this moment. If I present myself as feeling confident and in control when I don't feel that way, that would feel like I’m lying with my words and actions.
* When I don’t present myself truthfully, it feels bad to me. So it’s become important for me to work out how to present myself truthfully.


How Does it Feel When You’re Being Authentic? 12:01


* There’s a sense of ease. There’s a sense of connection with myself as well as the person I’m talking with.
* There’s a flow to my words and I won't be stopping and starting as much. I’ll also be listening to the next thing I’m going to say.
* I feel present with what’s happening in that moment; I’m aware of where I am and what’s going on around me.
* It’s difficult for someone to know what’s authentic and what isn’t for another person. You don’t know if what I’m saying is true to how I feel inside.


The Ways in Which I’m Inauthentic 14:00


* When I write in a way which implies I know everything about a subject, or I talk in a way which implies I always use the techniques I s...]]> Benjamin Hammersley clean 30:14 048: Why Am I So Critical of Others? https://bisforbeing.com/p/048-why-am-i-so-critical-of-others Sat, 13 May 2017 21:01:28 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=2056 https://bisforbeing.com/p/048-why-am-i-so-critical-of-others#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/048-why-am-i-so-critical-of-others/feed 0 I went to a workshop about overcoming fear.While I was there, I became highly critical and judgemental of a particular person who was sitting calmly, meditating, and sharing helpful techniques on how to overcome fear.What?!Why was I being so critical of a person who wasn’t doing anything to annoy me or make me feel uncomfortable?This episode is a live exploration of the feelings which came up during the workshop, and an attempt to explore the deeper roots of my critical judgements. I went to a workshop about overcoming fear.While I was there, I became highly critical and judgemental of a particular person who was sitting calmly, meditating, and sharing helpful techniques on how to overcome fear.What?!
I went to a workshop about overcoming fear.

While I was there, I became highly critical and judgemental of a particular person who was sitting calmly, meditating, and sharing helpful techniques on how to overcome fear.

What?!

Why was I being so critical of a person who wasn’t doing anything to annoy me or make me feel uncomfortable?

This episode is a live exploration of the feelings which came up during the workshop, and an attempt to explore the deeper roots of my critical judgements.



Show Notes

Something Which Scares Me 04:58


* It scares me when a person understands a lot of information intellectually but hasn't embodied that knowledge for themselves. Then they present that information to others as if they understand it completely.
* My fear didn’t come up as fear at first, it surfaced as an extreme critical judgement of others.
* I experienced extreme critical judgement for someone who was sitting calmly and meditating.


Why Was I Feeling So Critical of This Person? 05:50


* Even when they were sharing helpful insights on coming through fear, I felt they were being incredibly fake.
* I felt they were reciting what they had read and practiced but it wasn’t a full understanding of what those words actually meant.
* I sensed they were upholding a story of who they thought they were and how they wanted others to perceive them.


The Signs I Look for Which Indicate Someone’s Being Authentic 09:54


* Is the person representing their internal experience on the outside, for others to see? If not, why?
* A feeling of distrust comes up for me when I sense someone isn’t in-tune with what’s inside them.
* I’m not suggesting that people should share their every thought and feeling, or their deepest darkest secrets. Simply to acknowledge their current level of knowledge and honestly represent their current emotional state.
* The person I reacted to was presenting themselves as a spiritual master. It seemed the story of them being perceived as a master, was greater than the knowledge they had actually internalised for themselves.


Why Did I React So Critically to This Person? 13:20


* I was aware that, separate to my emotional reactions, this person was genuinely calm and at peace. They were also sharing helpful things with other people.


I could see that my reactions of anger and frustration didn’t match the reality of what was actually occurring.


* When I realised this, I turned my attention back to myself to understand what was occurring.


I’ve Done the Same Thing Myself! 15:32


* After reading The Power of Now, I was telling people about the information I’d read as if I’d known it for years.
* I didn’t feel I was being inauthentic in the moment but I also didn’t have a full understanding of what I was talking about.
* When someone would ask me to explain what I was talking about in more detail, I realised I didn’t know everything about the subject I was talking about; I hadn’t internalised the information for myself, I was simply re-presenting the information I’d read.
* A question for myself: Why do I need to understand something completely before I can tell other people about it?
* This dynamic has come up for me before. In Episode 36, I explored similar judgements which came up while I was listening to other people talk about sp...]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 23:41
047: 6 Ways to Be a Friend to Yourself https://bisforbeing.com/p/047-6-ways-friend Sat, 06 May 2017 21:02:47 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=2046 https://bisforbeing.com/p/047-6-ways-friend#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/047-6-ways-friend/feed 0 I remember when I started to do friendly things for myself consciously it felt a bit awkward. But when I began experiencing some big positive changes I knew I was doing something very right.The most significant change (which I didn't see coming) was being able to express myself more freely around other people. Instead of overthinking how to say what I wanted to say, I would just say it.I realised later this was happening because I wasn't as concerned about other people’s thoughts and ideas because I was providing myself with the validation and support that I needed when I needed it.Over the years I've continued exploring the different ways of being a self-friend, and in this episode, I share some of the most effective ways I've discovered for developing this friendship and the situations in which they can be used.I’ve also included some of the small yet powerful internal actions which I often overlooked when I first started this self-friendly exploration. I remember when I started to do friendly things for myself consciously it felt a bit awkward. But when I began experiencing some big positive changes I knew I was doing something very right.The most significant change (which I didn't see coming) was be...
I remember when I started to do friendly things for myself it felt a bit awkward. But when I began experiencing some big positive changes I knew I was doing something very right.

The most significant change (which I didn't see coming) was being able to express myself more freely around other people. Instead of overthinking how to say what I wanted to say, I would just say it. Retrospectively, I realised this was happening because I wasn't as concerned with other people’s thoughts and ideas about me, as I was providing myself with validation and support as I needed it.

Over the years I've continued exploring the different ways of being a self-friend, and in this episode, I share some of the most effective ways I've discovered for developing this friendship along with the situations in which they can be used.

I’ve also included some of the small yet powerful internal actions which I often overlooked when I first started this self-friendly exploration.


Show Notes

Click a time marker to hear the full podcast.

Self-Friendship 101 00:59


* A good rule of thumb is: treat yourself the same way you would treat a good friend.
* I only discovered it was possible to have a friendship with myself at the age of 27. Once I began treating myself like a friend I experienced huge positive shifts occur in my life. I no longer cared as much about what other people thought about me.


The quality of your relationship with yourself will dictate the quality of all other relationships in your life.


* If you’re treating yourself with compassion and kindness, the chances are high that you’ll also treat the people around you with the same level of compassion and kindness. On the other hand, if you’re not so kind to yourself you may find you have less compassion and kindness for those around you.


1. Ask Yourself What You Need 03:50


* Taking a moment to ask yourself what you need is a friend-making action.
* Imagine a friend that’s having a rough day, you would ask them what they need and then listen to their answer. Doing the same thing for yourself is a self-befriending action.
* The more we ask ourselves this question and provide ourselves with what we need, the easier it becomes to do it in the future.
* It’s easy to dismiss the small internal actions we take for ourselves. However, they’re often the most powerful.


2. Take Yourself Out of Unpleasant Situations 06:53


* I ignored how I was feeling in unpleasant situations because I didn’t want to cause trouble or make other people uncomfortable by leaving a situation.
* We build trust with ourselves when we take ourselves out of unpleasant situations.
We lose trust in ourselves to take ourselves out of unpleasant situations when we don’t act on how we’re feeling.
* We aren’t obliged to stay in situations we find unpleasant.
* If you’re in an unpleasant conversation, simply thank the person for the conversation and excuse yourself from the interaction. That’s all you need to do.
* It’s important not to ignore our feelings.
* We can’t be perfect at this. There will still be times we fail to remove ourselves from unpleasant situations. However, if the general trend is to take ourselves out of these situations, then our trust in ourselves will continue to grow.


3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Exactly How You Feel 11:21


* Acknowledging our feelings and accepting them with compassion is a friendly action.
]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 26:23
046: What is Authenticity? https://bisforbeing.com/p/046-what-is-authenticity Sat, 29 Apr 2017 21:03:15 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=2029 https://bisforbeing.com/p/046-what-is-authenticity#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/046-what-is-authenticity/feed 0 I run a website about authenticity, so I should know what authenticity is, right?Well, I forgot.I had that feeling when you say a word out loud over and over again and you stop understanding the word’s meaning and begin to only hear the word's sounds.I used this episode to put everything out on the table and remind myself of what authenticity is (and also what authenticity is not.)In this episode, I answer three big questions:What defines authentic self-expression?How do we know when we're acting authentically?How do we uncover our own authenticity and bring more of it into our creativity and relationships? I run a website about authenticity, so I should know what authenticity is, right?Well, I forgot.I had that feeling when you say a word out loud over and over again and you stop understanding the word’s meaning and begin to only hear the word's sounds.


I run a website about authenticity, so I should know what authenticity is, right?

Well, I forgot.

I had that feeling when you say a word out loud over and over again and you stop understanding the word’s meaning and begin to only hear the word's sounds.

I used this episode to put everything out on the table and remind myself of what authenticity is (and also what authenticity is not.)

In this episode, I answer three big questions:


* What defines authentic self-expression?
* How do we know when we're acting authentically?
* How do we uncover our own authenticity and bring more of it into our creativity and relationships?




Show Notes

Why I’m Passionate About Authenticity 03:38


* From a young age I was attracted to people who had a solid grounding within themselves.
* I’ve struggled with my sense of self for most of my life. I didn’t have a sense of who I was separate from other people and what they wanted to do.
* I wanted to know if I was more than just a conditioned ball of actions which I learned from my family and friends.
* I wanted to know why I felt superior to some people and inferior to others.
* I tried imitating how famous people were in order to be likeable.


Authenticity is Difficult to Describe 09:50


* Authenticity is not a set of behaviours or techniques; it’s a state of being which occurs naturally from the absence of fear.
* We are inherently authentic. Just existing in the world is authentic.


Authenticity is a state of being, not a state of doing.


* Authenticity is an in-the-moment flow of life. Like the way a river flows, or a snowflake forms, or a sunset sets - authenticity is completely unique and can not be copied or replicated.


What Authenticity Is Not 16:13


* Authenticity is not:

* Asking someone how they are when I’m not actually interested in their answer.
* Breaking an awkward silence with random chit-chat when actually I don’t have anything to say.
* Saying yes when I actually want to say no.


* We usually act inauthentically when there is a fear present of being abandoned or not accepted by someone.
* Assertiveness is a mode of expression which is aimed at expressing what’s true for you while respecting another person at the same time.
* Authenticity is not rigidly following a system without asking ourselves why we’re following it.
* However, even if we are rigidly following a system, it’s impossible for our authenticity to be completely suppressed, it will always come through in some way.


Why Is It So Difficult to Be Authentic? 24:40


* Why do we do things which aren’t authentic to us?
* We are hard wired to feel accepted, valid and loved. We are afraid of that love leaving us. As a result, we are highly aware of any actions which might cause us to be unlovable and we adapt our behaviour to stop this from happening.
* For most of my life I didn’t have a sense of my inner-voice. I didn’t know what I genuinely wanted and didn’t want, so I just went along with what everyone else wanted.
* I didn’t think it was a big deal to go along with what others wanted and ignore what I wanted. I didn’t know that I was abandoning myself every-time I ignored what felt right for me.
* We tolerate unpleasant situations because we are afraid of losing acceptance and love. We interpret another people’s praise and affection as...]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 36:18
045: A Live Exploration of Procrastination https://bisforbeing.com/p/045-exploring-procrastination Sat, 01 Apr 2017 21:03:33 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=2016 https://bisforbeing.com/p/045-exploring-procrastination#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/045-exploring-procrastination/feed 0 I'm about to start a new job and have decided to take a month off podcasting.I’m doing this so I can adjust to the new time and energy requirements of the job without placing additional stress on myself to create a podcast every week.So, I’m preparing four podcasts in advance so I can ensure there is always a new episode for you on Sunday no matter how crazy life becomes.I thought this was a brilliant idea, but my old friend procrastination began to telling me otherwise. I was completely blocked from producing these episodes.In this episode, I explore the cause of my procrastination and share some relieving perspective shifts which have helped me work through it and free me to do what I need to do. I'm about to start a new job and have decided to take a month off podcasting.I’m doing this so I can adjust to the new time and energy requirements of the job without placing additional stress on myself to create a podcast every week.So,
I'm about to start a new job and have decided to take a month off podcasting.

I’m doing this so I can adjust to the new time and energy requirements of the job without placing additional stress on myself to create a podcast every week.

So, I’m preparing four podcasts in advance so I can ensure there is always a new episode for you on Sunday no matter how crazy life becomes.

I thought this was a brilliant idea, but my old friend procrastination began to telling me otherwise. I was completely blocked from producing these episodes.

In this episode, I explore the cause of my procrastination and share some relieving perspective shifts which have helped me work through it and free me to do what I need to do.

This is the last episode before I take a four-week break. I’ll be back with Episode 46 on April 30th, 2017.



Show Notes


* I’m struggling to prepare an episode this week. 00:34
* Backstory: I got the job I applied for in Episode 40. 01:22
* I have a topic to podcast about this week but it’s feeling really difficult to produce. 02:19
* I have a feeling I'm procrastinating because recording these 4 episodes is making, what I think will be a stressful experience, become a reality. 02:52


Procrastination makes everything else seem more interesting than the thing you’re working on. 05:20


* I've realised procrastination is there to protect me. 05:58
* A lot of self-doubt just came up while recording this podcast. 07:58
* I used to think procrastination was just an annoying thing stopping me from doing what I wanted to do. 09:31
* Acknowledging procrastination as a protective mechanism reduces it’s effects on us. 10:43
* My message to procrastination. 12:18


Mentioned in This Episode


* Episode 40: Why We Don’t Have to Feel Inadequate When We Get Rejected


Featured image by
Tysh

Licensed under Creative Commons (CC BY-NC 2.0)]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 14:33
044: Safe Spaces for Your Creativity to Flow – A Talk with Marc Thomas King https://bisforbeing.com/p/044-creating-safe-spaces-creativity-flow-talk-marc-thomas-king Sat, 25 Mar 2017 21:02:07 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1994 https://bisforbeing.com/p/044-creating-safe-spaces-creativity-flow-talk-marc-thomas-king#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/044-creating-safe-spaces-creativity-flow-talk-marc-thomas-king/feed 0 Marc Thomas King is a family friend and actor living in Los Angeles.Every time I visit my American family on the East Coast I stop over in L.A., and we’ve had some great chats over the years.During my latest visit, he played an audio recording for me on his phone. It was a spontaneous free flow session where he allowed himself to express whatever he felt like at that moment.We keep in touch via Whatsapp, and I receive regular ‘audio sketches’ from Marc every week. They become more elaborate and entertaining as he continues to allow himself to express freely without filtering his creative impulses.I was intrigued by the raw creativity that was running through every sketch and wanted to know how Marc creates a safe space for himself to just express himself without being shut down by self-censoring or criticism.This is an extensive talk about creativity, the things which make it flow and connecting authentically in our interactions with others. Marc Thomas King is a family friend and actor living in Los Angeles.Every time I visit my American family on the East Coast I stop over in L.A., and we’ve had some great chats over the years.During my latest visit,


Marc in character as a meditation guru

Marc Thomas King is a family friend and actor living in Los Angeles.

Every time I visit my American family on the East Coast I stop over in L.A., and we’ve had some great chats over the years.

During my latest visit, he played an audio recording for me on his phone. It was a spontaneous free flow session where he allowed himself to express whatever he felt like at that moment.

We keep in touch via Whatsapp, and I receive regular ‘audio sketches’ from Marc every week. They become more elaborate and entertaining as he continues to allow himself to express freely without filtering his creative impulses.

I was intrigued by the raw creativity that was running through every sketch and wanted to know how Marc creates a safe space for himself to just express himself without being shut down by self-censoring or criticism.

This is an extensive talk about creativity, the things which make it flow, and connecting authentically in our interactions with others.



Show Notes

Recording Yourself Can Affect Your Expression 02:29


* Marc: Being recorded can dictate how you express yourself. It can be an impediment or a tool for being creatively free flowing.
* Ben: I wanted to become more comfortable being recorded, so I set myself a comfort zone challenge where I would hit record on a camera and allow myself to make mistakes and be awkward. (Free Flow Fridays Series).
* Marc: If we fall in love with the process of creating and don’t attach ourselves to the end result, the act of creating itself, feels good to do.


How Would You Describe Your Audio Sketches? 08:32


* Marc: They are moments of unbridled inspiration. It’s a burst of formless energy that feels like it needs a channel. I give myself the permission to go with the flow.
* Just by chance, it creates a form of its own, just by allowing the process to unfold.
* The key factor is that I give myself the warrant ‘to do’.


Audio Sketch 1 13:17


* Ben: Has there been a time where you have felt stifled to express yourself?
* Marc: I make a big effort not to place any heavy criticism on anything I create. To keep the momentum of my energy flowing I put an emphasis on just having fun.
* I’m not trying to create something that’s definable. I’m trying to create something that resonates with others but can’t be categorised.
* Ben: When someone’s expressing themselves authentically, there is no formula to replicate that.
* Marc: How can we live authentically? Not trying to appear authentic to people, but actually being authentic.
* The process of doing something can be inherently enjoyable and authentic.
* Ben: The process of creating naturally brings us to the evolution of our creative expression.
* Marc: What you’re hearing in my audio sketches is me allowing myself to imagine and actualise.


Audio Sketch 2 26:57

Trusting There Is Value in Our Creativity 29:07


* Ben: When I focus on the end result of what I’m creating I have a harder time creating. I was doubting there was any real value in the podcasts, but when I listened back to them I could see there was a value inside them, so I began to trust there was value in my creativity even If I didn’t feel that way at the time.


What Does It Take to Create and Connect Without It Being About Our Ego (Trying to Appear Clever or Amazing)?]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 75:35
043: What’s Stopping Us From Being Us? – A Talk with Joe Douglas https://bisforbeing.com/p/043-what-is-stopping-us-from-being-us Sat, 18 Mar 2017 21:01:32 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1992 https://bisforbeing.com/p/043-what-is-stopping-us-from-being-us#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/043-what-is-stopping-us-from-being-us/feed 0 I first heard about Joe from my housemate, Michael. He told me that Joe ran weekend workshops for healing trauma and helping people form a relationship with their emotions.I was curious and checked out Joe’s site. I went straight to the video section and began watching a video of Joe explaining the different types of anger. The content was fascinating, but the way he was speaking fascinated me even more.He was relaxed and spoke as if he were talking with a good friend. It didn’t feel like he was trying to sell me anything or talk me into his point of view. He was simply sharing what he knew about anger.I clicked on the ‘About’ section of his site and read, “[…] My approach is dedicated to equipping you with the awareness and the tools you need to remove the obstacles that are preventing you from being the person you wish to be.” After reading that, I knew I needed to have a talk with Joe.In this episode, we go to the heart of what’s stopping us from being us.A useful talk if you want to know what’s stopping you from being yourself, or you’re thinking about embarking on some of your own self-development work.Joe Douglas is a psychotherapist who helps people take responsibility for their lives and runs regular weekend workshops for people to understand and remove their emotional blocks so they can live a full and happy life as themselves. I first heard about Joe from my housemate, Michael. He told me that Joe ran weekend workshops for healing trauma and helping people form a relationship with their emotions.I was curious and checked out Joe’s site.


Joe Douglas

I first heard about Joe from my housemate, Michael. He told me that Joe ran weekend workshops for healing trauma and helping people form a relationship with their emotions.

I was curious and checked out Joe’s site. I went straight to the video section and began watching a video of Joe explaining the different types of anger. The content was fascinating, but the way he was speaking fascinated me even more.

He was relaxed and spoke as if he were talking with a good friend. It didn’t feel like he was trying to sell me anything or talk me into his point of view. He was simply sharing what he knew about anger.

I clicked on the ‘About’ section of his site and read, “[…] My approach is dedicated to equipping you with the awareness and the tools you need to remove the obstacles that are preventing you from being the person you wish to be.” After reading that, I knew I needed to have a talk with Joe.

In this episode, we go to the heart of what’s stopping us from being us.

A useful talk if you want to know what’s stopping you from being yourself, or you’re thinking about embarking on some of your own self-development work.

Joe Douglas is a psychotherapist who helps people take responsibility for their lives and runs regular weekend workshops for people to understand and remove their emotional blocks so they can live a full and happy life as themselves.



Show Notes

Click on a time marker to hear the full conversation.


What Is Stopping Us From Being Ourselves? 03:18


* Ben: I’m feeling a bit nervous right now, but I can see it’s not you that’s making me nervous.
* Joe: Emotions are really important. They are good indicators that something is going on inside us.
* There is a lot of ‘stuff’ protecting us from ourselves.
* Until you feel safe, the real you is not going to come to the surface.


Childhood Is Where Our Initial Protections Are Created 05:54


* Ben: As children, we don’t have any reference for what fear or pain is.
* Joe: Children are the centre of their own universe. They push down who they are to fit in if they have to.


Let Your Body Feel Your Emotions Instead of Covering Them Up 09:08


* Joe: There are no bad emotions. It’s the suppression of our emotions which causes the pain.
* Suppressing anger can cause a lot of damage when suppressed for long enough. Domestic violence and secondary anger are some of the results of that.


Have You Had to Work at Being Authentic? 12:28


* Joe: It’s mostly been natural to be myself.
* Ben: I’ve come from a background of self-doubt, so it’s been harder for me to feel comfortable expressing myself.
* Joe: When I was younger I struggled. In the north of England, the sense was you didn't show your emotions, you cover them up with alcohol and drugs.


My Personal Growth Process Began After My First Marriage Ended 16:16


* Joe: I began to realise how much anger was inside me. It was like a power station.
* I did 5 or 6 years of intense personal growth work
* Ben: What was driving you to do this self-growth work?
* Joe: My second wife wasn’t telling me what to do so I had nothing to rebel against. She used to say,]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 53:43
042: Dealing with Anxiety – A Talk with Neil Hughes https://bisforbeing.com/p/042-dealing-with-anxiety-a-talk-with-neil-hughes Sat, 11 Mar 2017 21:02:10 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1957 https://bisforbeing.com/p/042-dealing-with-anxiety-a-talk-with-neil-hughes#comments https://bisforbeing.com/p/042-dealing-with-anxiety-a-talk-with-neil-hughes/feed 2 Constant worry and fear about the possibility of something terrible happening make it really difficult to take action on the things which matter to us.I've suffered from anxiety and many of my friends and family have as well, but what actually is it? Where does it come from? How can we find effective relief from it?I needed some answers.It just so happens, Neil Hughes knows a lot about anxiety. He’s the author of Walking On Custard: A Guide for Anxious Humans and regularly shares his experiences of managing anxiety on his blog, and more recently, his entertaining TED Talk: A New Plan for Anxious Feelings: Escape the Custard!Neil used to think of himself as a worrier but it wasn’t until his late-twenties he realised he was dealing with anxiety.In this talk, Neil shares how anxiety is different from genuine fear, why self-awareness is key to relieving anxiety, and the importance of talking with others and asking for help. Constant worry and fear about the possibility of something terrible happening make it really difficult to take action on the things which matter to us.I've suffered from anxiety and many of my friends and family have as well, but what actually is it?
Tools and techniques for understanding and relieving anxiety.



Neil Hughes getting into some stand-up comedy

Constant worry and fear about the possibility of something terrible happening make it really difficult to take action on the things which matter to us.

I've suffered from anxiety and many of my friends and family have as well, but what actually is it? Where does it come from? How can we find effective relief from it?

I needed some answers.

It just so happens, Neil Hughes knows a lot about anxiety. He’s the author of Walking On Custard: A Guide for Anxious Humans and regularly shares his experiences of managing anxiety on his blog, and more recently, his entertaining TED Talk: A New Plan for Anxious Feelings: Escape the Custard!

Neil used to think of himself as a worrier but it wasn’t until his late-twenties he realised he was dealing with anxiety.

In this talk, Neil shares how anxiety is different from genuine fear, why self-awareness is key in relieving anxiety, and the importance of talking with others and asking for help.



Show Notes


* Ben: Where did this journey start for you? 04:22
* Neil: It wasn’t until my late twenties that I started looking into my anxiety. I was experiencing stomach pain and sickness. I didn’t know what was happening. 04:33



* Ben: What’s your definition of anxiety? 07:13
- Neil: Anxiety is when the fear you’re experiencing is disproportionate to what’s actually happening. 07:33



* Ben: Do you have an idea of where you’re anxiety came from? 09:13
* Neil: I’ve found it can be a bit of a trap to spend time worrying about where my anxiety has come from and why it's there. 09:34



* Ben: How do you handle anxiety when you feel it? 12:04
* Neil: There’s no one magic cure for anxiety. I’ve found it helpful to identify what sort of anxiety I’m experiencing - chronic anxiety or background anxiety. I’ve found it very helpful to not fight anxiety. 12:22



* Ben: Have you noticed any long-term changes from retraining yourself away from anxious thoughts and feelings? 17:32
* Neil: Anxiety is still a reality in my life but I don’t fear it anymore. 18:01
* Social anxiety is something I haven’t struggled with, I would be fine getting up and doing stand-up comedy. I experienced more disaster anxiety.
* A lot of dealing with anxiety is about tuning into reality. 21:28



* Ben: Was there a particular moment when you realised you were separate from your anxious tendencies? 22:36
* Neil: A thought in your head is just a thought in your head. You don't necessarily need to believe it. Recognising when we’re having anxious thoughts is helpful to this process. 23:26
* Ben: I’ve been using my body like an alarm system so I know when to pay attention to emotional tension going on inside me. 25:37


Neil: Self-observation is key to dealing with anxiety. It can help us come out of an anxiety loop faster. 26:37


]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 42:11
041: Navigating the Waters of Self-Love – A Talk with Caira Lee https://bisforbeing.com/p/041-navigating-self-love-with-caira-lee Sat, 25 Feb 2017 21:04:30 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1908 https://bisforbeing.com/p/041-navigating-self-love-with-caira-lee#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/041-navigating-self-love-with-caira-lee/feed 0 I’m really proud of this interview.Yes, it’s packed with practical tools and inspiration for tackling deep self-doubt, but that’s not why I’m proud of it.After watching Caira’s TEDx talk on the power of self-love, I felt compelled to contact her and invite her for a talk.There was only one problem.I highly doubted that she'd want to talk with me.My podcast isn’t professional enough, I thought. It needs to be more exciting and better produced for her to be interested. With a TED talk like that, her life must be overflowing with interviews and speaking gigs. Why would she want to talk with me?But there was something in me, telling me to write to her anyway.So I began writing the email and felt really daring for doing so. It took me over 2 hours to write that thing; checking it and rewording it and checking it again.But then I asked myself, what’s the worst that could happen? What's the worst thing that will happen if I send this email to her?She probably won’t reply. Well, if that’s the worst that can happen I’m sending this email! Then, with a sense of brazenness, I hovered over the ’SEND’ button. I could still feel a lingering sense of doubt inside me but I just clicked the button. The email was sent and I gave myself a giant high-five.As it turned out, Caira replied the very next day and said she’d love to have a talk. I remember not being able to control the muscles in my face as they formed, what felt like, a permanent smile.Caira Lee is a national award winning performance poet and author, originally from Maryland, USA, now living in Ghana, Africa.She has worked her way through deep depression and anxiety and has a strong understanding of what it means to love yourself.You don't want to miss this episode.Join us as we share the strongest fears and doubts that have prevented us from taking compassionate action for ourselves, and the things we did to come through them. I’m really proud of this interview.Yes, it’s packed with practical tools and inspiration for tackling deep self-doubt, but that’s not why I’m proud of it.After watching Caira’s TEDx talk on the power of self-love,


Caira Lee

I’m really proud of this interview.

Yes, it’s packed with practical tools and inspiration for tackling deep self-doubt, but that’s not why I’m proud of it.

After watching Caira’s TEDx talk on the power of self-love, I felt compelled to contact her and invite her for a talk.

There was only one problem.

I highly doubted that she'd want to talk with me.

My podcast isn’t professional enough, I thought. It needs to be more exciting and better produced for her to be interested. With a TED talk like that, her life must be overflowing with interviews and speaking gigs. Why would she want to talk with me?

But there was something in me, telling me to write to her anyway.

So I began writing the email and felt really daring for doing so. It took me over 2 hours to write that thing; checking it and rewording it and checking it again.

But then I asked myself, what’s the worst that could happen? What's the worst thing that will happen if I send this email to her?

She probably won’t reply, I thought.
Well, if that’s the worst that can happen I’m sending this email!


Then, with a sense of brazenness, I hovered over the ’SEND’ button. I could still feel a lingering sense of doubt inside me but I just clicked the button. The email was sent and I gave myself a giant high-five.

As it turned out, Caira replied the very next day and said she’d love to have a talk. I remember not being able to control the muscles in my face as they formed, what felt like, a permanent smile.

Caira Lee is a national award winning performance poet and author, originally from Maryland, USA, now living in Ghana, Africa.

She has worked her way through deep depression and anxiety and has a strong understanding of what it means to love yourself.

You don't want to miss this episode.

Join us as we share the strongest fears and doubts that have prevented us from taking compassionate action for ourselves, and the things we did to come through them.



Show Notes

Click a time marker to jump to any section of the podcast.

What Has Stopped You From Taking Loving Action for Yourself? 02:39


* Caira: Doubt. The fear that I’ll try 100% and it won’t change anything, or that I’ll destroy myself trying. 02:58
* Ben: How do you feel doubt? 04:29
* Caira: Doubts always have fear behind them. We’re usually doubting that things will be good, which is a fear that things will be bad. 05:15
* I ask myself, would I ever do the things which would make these disastrous things come true? 08:42
* Ben: I come out of fear-based thinking by paying attention to what’s going on around me. 09:53
* Caira: It’s crazy, you can do something positive for yourself and then trick yourself into thinking it’s still negative. 11:15
* When I’m having thoughts that are causing me anxiety, I remind myself that the only reason this bad thing will happen is because I’m thinking it will happen. 12:45


What if That’s All Just Positive Thinking?


* Ben: What if the bad thing I’m thinking about is actually going to happen and I’m just pretending it won’t? Sometimes positive thinking feels phoney to me. 14:40
* Caira: This is a process. A house begins with the first brick.]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 91:12
040: Why We Don’t Have to Feel Inadequate When We Get Rejected https://bisforbeing.com/p/040-why-our-self-worth-goes-down-when-we-feel-rejected Sat, 18 Feb 2017 21:02:26 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1904 https://bisforbeing.com/p/040-why-our-self-worth-goes-down-when-we-feel-rejected#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/040-why-our-self-worth-goes-down-when-we-feel-rejected/feed 0 Applying for jobs has never been an enjoyable task for me. I spent almost 20hrs on a job application this week with 4 hours spent on just the cover letter alone.I was overworking every aspect of the application because I knew that if it was rejected I would feel that I should have been better in some way, that the rejection was a reflection of me not trying hard enough and that I was inadequate.But me receiving a rejection is not connected to my feelings of worth at all... Unless I feel it is.I know I’m not alone on this.The good news is we don't have to feel inadequate at all.Rejection is not a sign of inadequacy but simply another person's interpretation of the small part of us we've presented to them.In this episode, I uncover the reason why we feel inadequate following a rejection and how we can change our default reaction of inadequacy into, I'm good enough no matter what happens. Applying for jobs has never been an enjoyable task for me. I spent almost 20hrs on a job application this week with 4 hours spent on just the cover letter alone.I was overworking every aspect of the application because I knew that if it was rejected I ...



Applying for jobs has never been an enjoyable task for me. I spent almost 20hrs on a job application this week with 4 hours spent on just the cover letter alone.

I was overworking every aspect of the application because I knew that if it was rejected I would feel that I should have been better in some way, that the rejection was a reflection of me not trying hard enough and that I was inadequate.

But me receiving a rejection is not connected to my feelings of worth at all... Unless I feel it is.

I know I’m not alone on this.

The good news is we don't have to feel inadequate at all.

Rejection is not a sign of inadequacy but simply another person's interpretation of the small part of us we've presented to them.

In this episode, I uncover the reason why we feel inadequate following a rejection and how we can change our default reaction of inadequacy into, I'm good enough no matter what happens.



Show Notes

Click a time marker to jump to that section of the podcast.


* I really did not want to put myself in a position where I could be accepted or rejected. 2:30
* I reminded myself that I am good enough no matter what the outcome is. 4:33
* I make myself feel not good enough based on my beliefs of what that rejection means to me. 5:50
* It's easy to see the decisions made by an authority figure as more accurate than your own understanding of yourself. 10:11
* I wanted to know why I feel lower and less than when I feel rejected. How did this start? 11:44


If we only receive praise for our achievements, it’s easy to think when we aren't achieving we aren't worthy of praise or acknowledgement. 13:42


* “If I praise my kids for doing nothing then they won't feel like doing anything.” 14:50
* We adapt ourselves in any way that's required to receive love because we know that we need love to survive. 16:26
* How do I rebalance my own achievement bias? 17:55
* I’m curating a guide of the most powerful reminders for relieving anxiety, overwhelm and nonstop thinking. 21:27


 

Featured image by Christian Stefanescu
Licensed under Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 25:56
039: Understanding Our Unpleasant Emotions Instead of Blaming Others for How We Feel https://bisforbeing.com/p/039-understanding-unpleasant-emotions-instead-blaming-others-feel Sat, 11 Feb 2017 21:03:10 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1877 https://bisforbeing.com/p/039-understanding-unpleasant-emotions-instead-blaming-others-feel#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/039-understanding-unpleasant-emotions-instead-blaming-others-feel/feed 0 There are moments in life which cause some pretty unpleasant emotions.You say hello to a friend on the street and they walk right by you without saying a thing. You get home from work and your partner gives you a funny look.Fear, doubt, jealousy, anger, confusion - no one wants to feel this way.Without understanding what exactly has triggered these emotions it's easy to blame the other person (directly or indirectly) for that we're experiencing.What we don't know is that it's not the entire person which has triggered these unpleasant feelings, it's a specific aspect of something they've said or done which has triggered this response within us.It's very difficult to understand this if you're already within a strong emotional reaction.What we need is a more neutral view of what has occurred so we can see things more objectively.Writing is an excellent tool for doing this and can be used to understand the roots of our strong emotional reactions enabling us to take positive action with people instead of blaming them for what we're feeling.In this episode, I take you through this technique and outline exactly what to write about and which questions to ask yourself. There are moments in life which cause some pretty unpleasant emotions.You say hello to a friend on the street and they walk right by you without saying a thing. You get home from work and your partner gives you a funny look.Fear, doubt, jealousy,


There are moments in life which cause some pretty unpleasant emotions.

You say hello to a friend on the street and they walk right by you without saying a thing. You get home from work and your partner gives you a funny look.

Fear, doubt, jealousy, anger, confusion -  no one wants to feel this way.

Without understanding what exactly has triggered these emotions it's easy to blame the other person (directly or indirectly) for that we're experiencing.

What we don't know is that it's not the entire person which has triggered these unpleasant feelings, it's a specific aspect of something they've said or done which has triggered this response within us.

It's very difficult to understand this if you're already within a strong emotional reaction.

What we need is a more neutral view of what has occurred so we can see things more objectively.

Writing is an excellent tool for doing this and can be used to understand the roots of our strong emotional reactions enabling us to take positive action with people instead of blaming them for what we're feeling.

In this episode, I take you through this technique and outline exactly what to write about and which questions to ask yourself.



Show Notes


* I use writing to identify what has actually caused me to get upset. 1:54
* Writing allow us to view an event objectively without being swept into the turbulence of our strong emotions. 4:13
* My housemate slammed a door and I got really angry but I didn’t know why I reacted so strongly. 5:09
* I decided to write down the facts of the situation to understand what had happened. 5:50
* Separating your emotional reactions from the events which occurred allows you to see the event more objectively and begin to understand your strong emotional reactions. 6:34
* We always have the choice to explore our feelings or just accept them at face value. 7:38
* 3 steps to exploring your strong emotional reactions.9:03

* 1. Write down step-by-step what occurred. Leave out how you felt about each event, this is a neutral account of what happened.
* 2. Underline which event(s) triggered the strong reaction within you.
* 3. Ask yourself, why did I feel this way when that happened? Each time you ask yourself why did I feel this way about that? You travel deeper into your emotional conditioning and understand what was behind your emotional reaction.



* Understanding where your strong reaction has come from, it’s easier to talk it through with the other person, proactively and productively. 10:08
* Without understanding where your emotion has come from it’s very easy to blame another person for how you are feeling. 10:36
* After identifying what you have reacted to you may not feel the need to bring it up with the other person at all because you can see where you’re emotional reaction has originated from. 11:23
* Overview of the 3 step writing technique. 12:32


Related Episodes and Articles


* How Writing Can Help Us Live More Harmoniously - Article
* Episode 10: Knowing When to Jump Ship


 



Featured image by clean 16:37
038: What is Ego? https://bisforbeing.com/p/038-what-is-ego Sat, 04 Feb 2017 21:00:55 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1858 https://bisforbeing.com/p/038-what-is-ego#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/038-what-is-ego/feed 0 If we're embarking on any sincere self-discovery work we have to know what the word Ego is actually referring to.'Ego' comes up so frequently in self-help material and everyday conversation that its definition has begun to get more than a little fuzzy.Without a clear understanding of what this word points to it can be difficult to understand our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors and why it is some of them keep returning.In this episode, I take a step back from assuming I know what the word Ego means and attempt to piece together a collective understanding of what we're actually talking about when use this tiny, but complex, three letter word. If we're embarking on any sincere self-discovery work we have to know what the word Ego is actually referring to.'Ego' comes up so frequently in self-help material and everyday conversation that its definition has begun to get more than a little fuzzy....


If we're embarking on any sincere self-discovery work we have to know what the word Ego is actually referring to.

'Ego' comes up so frequently in self-help material and everyday conversation that its definition has begun to get more than a little fuzzy.

Without a clear understanding of what this word points to it can be difficult to understand our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors and why it is some of them keep returning.

In this episode, I take a step back from assuming I know what the word Ego means and attempt to piece together a collective understanding of what we're actually talking about when use this tiny, but complex, three letter word.



Show Notes


* Ego is the story I create to explain my existence.
2:58
* People talk about ‘Ego’ a lot but I don’t actually know what it means. 4:35
* The Ego is you as your personality, your character, your experiences. 5:42
* The Ego is like a program on a computer. We are the computer, but something else has created the computer and the program… 6:23
* It’s an important part of who we are and needs our love, care and management. 8:15
* The Ego is like a program which keeps acting out behaviours from earlier experiences in life. It does this to protect you. 8:51
* We put ourselves higher or lower than other people in order to feel better. 11:29
* When you step back and ask, who am I? Who is the one that’s asking that? 13:22
* The Ego can create friction when a person is trying to get everyone else involved in his or her own personal universe. 15:32
* The Ego is not something you can fight. 16:39
* It can be very difficult to show the Ego love and compassion. 18:21
* The Ego can become dysfunctional when we're not aware of how it’s behaving. 19:36


People are beginning to see the Ego as something to incorporate and befriend and not something to fight or rid yourself of. 22:24


* The Ego sees whatever we tell it to look for. If someone has a 'big' Ego, he will look for and see all the things which prove his inflated sense of self. 22:55
* The Ego is a conditioned aspect of our psyche which can be reconditioned. 23:54
* Other people’s behaviours can trigger our conditioned self (Ego) and cause us to feel anger, fear, etc. However, this doesn’t mean their intention was to hurt us. 26:50
* Our emotional triggers tell us that there is something inside of us which needs to be looked at. It’s a tap on the shoulder to pay attention. 28:31
* Ben's closing thoughts on ‘What is Ego?’ 29:51


 

Featured image by Aftab Uzzaman.
Creative Commons (CC BY-NC 2.0)]]> Benjamin Hammersley clean 32:17 037: Different Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Self-Esteem – A Chat with Júlia https://bisforbeing.com/p/037-different-parenting-styles-effects-self-esteem-julia Sat, 28 Jan 2017 21:02:05 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1796 https://bisforbeing.com/p/037-different-parenting-styles-effects-self-esteem-julia#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/037-different-parenting-styles-effects-self-esteem-julia/feed 0 I was in a conversation with my girlfriend, Júlia a couple of months ago and realised that she’s had a very different upbringing to me.Julia’s childhood wasn’t perfect (and no one’s is) but when I learned that her parents were guiding her to realise the natural consequences of her actions, and that they would explain to her why she wasn't the reason they got mad – I knew I wanted to know more about their approach to parenting.As we know, it’s the experiences we have as kids which often significantly shape the way we think about ourselves, and as a result, our experience of life.In this episode Júlia and myself share different childhood stories about our parents and the differing effects these experiences had on our self-esteem. I was in a conversation with my girlfriend, Júlia a couple of months ago and realised that she’s had a very different upbringing to me.Julia’s childhood wasn’t perfect (and no one’s is) but when I learned that her parents were guiding her to realise th...


Júlia

I was in a conversation with my girlfriend Júlia a couple of months ago and realised that she’s had a very different upbringing to me.

Julia’s childhood wasn’t perfect (and no one’s is) but when I learned that her parents were guiding her to realise the natural consequences of her actions, and that they would explain to her why she wasn't the reason they got mad – I knew I wanted to know more about their approach to parenting.

As we know, it’s the experiences we have as kids which often significantly shape the way we think about ourselves, and as a result, our experience of life.

In this episode Júlia and myself share different childhood stories about our parents and the differing effects these experiences had on our self-esteem.

Show Notes

Click a timecode to jump to that section of the podcast.


* Júlia: I couldn’t understand why my friends were scared of their parents. 02:44
* Ben: What would your parents say to you if you didn’t clean up your room or do your homework? 04:08
* Júlia: My parents guided me to realise the natural consequences of me not taking action. 4:28
* Ben: I always had the feeling that my parents were investing their own sense of value into how clean my room was or how well I did at school. 05:42
* Júlia: My parents saw me and my brother as unique people so they treated us differently. 06:55
* Ben: At school, my default belief was, "I'm already no good." I felt I needed to try 30x harder than the other kids just for the teacher to acknowledge my efforts. 08:17
* Júlia: I think most kids felt like they were not good enough at school. 09:38
* Ben: Because our parents are so focused on us achieving certain results we get the idea that we are already not good. 11:41


Ben: My parents were more focused on the changes I needed to make in order to progress and less about reinforcing the things I’d already achieved. 12:45


* Ben: My father usually gave me feedback when he was annoyed and wanted me to stop doing something but there was very little encouragement of the things I was doing right. So I got the message that I was mostly doing things wrong. 13:22
* Júlia: Once you have the idea that you’re not doing anything right you start to focus on those aspects of yourself more and more. 14:06
* Ben: It’s so difficult to begin to change this idea because you feel like you can’t do anything right. Where do you start if you completely feel no good? 14:49
* Júlia: I think our parents’ intentions are good but it’s the way they give us feedback which will affect every kid in a different way. 17:03
* I also don’t think kids understand how marks work at school. In Spain it was either PASS, you’re good! or FAIL, you need to try harder! 17:58
* Ben: If we don’t feel we are good just because we exist we will attempt to get the love of our parents through achieving good grades, cleaning our room, etc. 19:42
* This belief, I’m not good enough as I am., has a huge impact on a person’s life and affects the type of relationships they form with other people. 20:36
* Ben: Did your parents ever get really mad at you? 21:22
* Júlia: If my mum got mad at me she would explain afterwards what ...]]>
Benjamin Hammersley clean 42:23
036: “Stop Sharing Because It’s Making Me Cringe.” https://bisforbeing.com/p/036-stop-sharing-making-cringe Sat, 21 Jan 2017 21:03:55 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1790 https://bisforbeing.com/p/036-stop-sharing-making-cringe#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/036-stop-sharing-making-cringe/feed 0 There are so many people talking about self-love, acceptance, meditation, connection, consciousness, ego... and it all just feels a little bit fake.It's like everyone only partially understands what they're talking about but shares it like they're an enlightened master. It just makes me cringe!What's the point of even sharing if we're all dismissed as 'just another self-proclaimed spiritual master who doesn't really know what they're talking about', resulting in no one taking anyone seriously!?These feelings became so strong that I had no motivation to produce this week's episode. So I decided to explore what was behind these feelings and share my findings with you.In this episode I uncover the core belief which was behind these highly critical feelings for others and myself, for sharing our journey. There are so many people talking about self-love, acceptance, meditation, connection, consciousness, ego... and it all just feels a little bit fake.It's like everyone only partially understands what they're talking about but shares it like they're an e...


There are so many people talking about self-love, acceptance, meditation, connection, consciousness, ego... and it all just feels a little bit fake.

It's like everyone only partially understands what they're talking about but shares it like they're an enlightened master. It just makes me cringe!

What's the point of even sharing if we're all dismissed as 'just another self-proclaimed spiritual master who doesn't really know what they're talking about', resulting in no one taking anyone seriously!?

These feelings became so strong that I had no motivation to produce this week's episode. So I decided to explore what was behind these feelings and share my findings with you.

In this episode I uncover the core belief which was behind my highly critical feelings for others and myself.

Show Notes

Click a time code to jump to that section of the podcast.


* 02:22 It seemed like everyone’s story was the same - going through a hard time and emerging from the other side with new insights on life. That didn’t feel genuine to me.
* 04:37 I had the biggest negative reaction towards people who were just beginning to share their journey.
* 06:12 Writing helped me understand where these feelings had come from. Writing is a powerful tool for understanding our internal stories and where they’ve come from.
* 06:37 Why do I react so strongly to people who are just starting to share themselves and not the people I consider masters?
* 08:23 I discovered I held a deep core belief which told me I wasn’t allowed to share anything if I didn’t know what I was talking about 100%.
* 11:01 I cringed at what other people were sharing and felt they were being fake because I felt fake within myself.
* 12:38 I looked at the early work of the people I was reacting to and I saw where they were in a process of developing.
* 13:50 Everyone starts somewhere. I’m allowed to start somewhere as well.
* 15:26 I held the belief that you need to be a master before you can start talking about self-love or sharing techniques to help people through hard times.
* 16:36 I'm very open about coming from a past of self-repression and I’m still working through that.
* 17:10 The beliefs I hold can make me perceive other people (and what they’re doing) in a particular way.
* 18:32 I remembered that I'm allowed to share my story just as I am, right now.
* 19:31 No one expects you to share everything about everything when you’re sharing. Just sharing your story is enough.


Your Reviews Make Me Happy

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Mentioned in This Episode


* clean 23:53
035: 2016 Year in Review https://bisforbeing.com/p/035-2016-year-in-review Sat, 17 Dec 2016 21:01:09 +0000 https://bisforbeing.com/?p=1769 https://bisforbeing.com/p/035-2016-year-in-review#respond https://bisforbeing.com/p/035-2016-year-in-review/feed 0 What an amazing year 2016 has been. A year full of growth, learning and expansion for everyone. I’m amazed at how much I’ve learned this year and lost track of the times I smashed through my comfort zones.This is the episode where I take a look back at the year that was 2016 and share my biggest learnings, my biggest fears and the most powerful episodes I produced this year.Grab your listening ears and hit play on the last episode of 2016. What an amazing year 2016 has been. A year full of growth, learning and expansion for everyone. I’m amazed at how much I’ve learned this year and lost track of the times I smashed through my comfort zones.This is the episode where I take a look back at...


What an amazing year 2016 has been. A year full of growth, learning and expansion for everyone. I’m amazed at how much I’ve learned this year and lost track of the times I smashed through my comfort zones.

This is the episode where I take a look back at the year that was 2016 and share my biggest learnings, my biggest fears and the most powerful episodes I produced this year.

Grab your listening ears and hit play on the last episode of 2016.



Highlights and Takeaways


* Flow comes before structure. When we rigidly hold plans without regard for how we are actually feeling it’s easy to treat yourself like a robot and burnout.
* Structure is there to compliment flow, but no to take greater importance than it.
* What I create can never reflect who I am, only how I am.
* Realising that I am not my work makes it easier to create and share what I make with others.
* I was overcompensating with fancy words and phrases because I didn’t believe I was offering genuine value with the podcast.
* Just sharing an experience you’ve had and how you came through it is a valuable source of information others can learn from.


Show Notes

An Overview

I started this year by producing episode 011: How to Live Authentically. It's a juicy episode which encapsulates my understanding of the key factors of living an authentic life and unblocking your authentic energy flow.

I produced 7 episodes of the podcast before taking an unexpected 4 month hiatus from April until early August (more about that later).

This year I produced 34 episodes and wrote more than 34,000 words of show notes.

I also started the
Free Flow Fridays Series. I had always planned to record 12 episodes to explore my unrehearsed authentic expression with a camera pointed at my face. This was a big comfort zone challenge for me.

I also moved house 3 times this year. This wasn't planned, it was just how it worked out.

Biggest Learnings of This Year

A big part of this episode is sharing the things I've learned which have changed the way I create, see the world, or connect with other people.

1. Flow then Structure

The natural rhythm and pacing of our energy is primary to any structuring process.

Flow comes before structure. I realised this because things were the other way around for me. I was trying to structure things without regard for my current energy level, my rhythms and the pace I like working at. By doing this I placed more importance on my plans, schedules and outcomes then how I was actually feeling.

The plans became primary to the present moment reality of how I was actually doing (our energy flow).

note: I grew up with rules which were enforced very rigidly and definitely. I learned that I needed to follow the rules for everything to run smoothly. So I followed these rules (structure) without actually knowing where they had come from. I thought, ok rules dictate your actions. You have rules and you follow them. It doesn't matter how you're feeling - if the rules are there then you follow them.

This resulted in me scheduling many big tasks to be completed in one day, no food breaks, and no scheduled breaks from work. I was basically treating myself like a robot and using the plan to dictate my actions (my flow).

I realised this wasn't the way things should be working because I was feeling crap. I wasn't having fun making episodes and I got to a point where I didn't feel like making any more. At this point I realised that my flow comes first (what I feel like doing) and then the structure is the...]]> Benjamin Hammersley clean 42:53